I am thinking of withdrawing this semester to get treatment for my clinical depression and anxiety. I was diagnosed with clinical depression when I was a teen and have been receiving medication and therapy on and off for several years. I have have not been on medication or therapy for several months. I thought I was doing well with coping skills but this semester has been debilitating. I feel mentally and physically fatigued. It is hard to drag myself to classes. I have an 1-1.5 hour commute to school. On the drive there and back, I get panic attacks, I get panic attacks in class. I can't concentrate or focus in class. It takes hours to do one homework problem and I read the text over and over again to get a basic understanding of the material. Even then, I forget what I just studied. I had a midterm yesterday and I just couldn't bring myself to go class to take it. I was in tears so I messaged the professor I wasn't feeling well. (She doesn't give make-ups). I'm 12 chapters behind in another class. Even though I try to catch up, the professor throws four more chapters at us. We cover 4 chapters a week. I've lost all hope for that class and stopped attending.
My lack of performance is atypical. Last semester I worked really hard and got on the Dean's List with a 4,0. I am mentally exhausted this semester. I get less than 5 hours sleep. Due to impaction, I was stuck with classes that were not ideal times. My class schedule is horrible I'm on campus 7am to 9pm four days a week. I have to get on the road at 5:30 a.m. to avoid rush hour traffic. Since I live 60 miles away from campus I have to stay there. I think the lack of sleep, long commute, and long days is what sent me to the breaking point and I have much more demanding classes compared to last semester. I'm a hot mess. I cry nearly every day because I feel like a total failure and can't get it together. I can't shake this feeling off like I used to. Everyday since the beginning of the semester, I wake up every morning feeling like my mom just died.
I called my therapist at home and the earliest he can get me in is in 2 and a half weeks. He sent me to the depression group sessions in the meantime. I know that I should withdraw this semester and focus on self-care, but I know I will violate SAP and will rescind my financial aid for next year. This is distressing me and I don't know what to do. It boils down to three choices: (1) Continue with the courses try to get myself on track at the expense of my health (continue to endure the commute and not sleep); (2) Continue and fail my courses damaging my gpa; (3) Withdraw and receive W's.
2 & 3 I'm going to get in trouble with SAP anyway. #1 Who knows what will happen maybe I will turn things around but with the circumstances I may drive my depression down even further.
Anxiety over SAP is making me worse. I spent an hour in bed thinking I won't be able to get treatment and continue my education next semester b/c I can't afford it. I know I need to talk to an FA counselor but I just need to organize my thoughts ,plan what to say, and must up the courage to take the long drive to campus.
My mind is muddled. Any advice is appreciated.
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